The Tint

suck (sək)  verb –  to be bad at a particular subject or action. (source- Online Slang Dictionary)

It’s kind of a pretty harsh word, I know…But it’s a pretty descriptive one, indeed…

Ok, I’m man enough to admit this…

After literally a lifetime in the aquarium world, there are still some things that I’m flat-out afraid to do. Stuff that scares the daylights out of me. 

Stuff that- well, let’s just put it bluntly- I just SUCK at. 

Now, in all fairness- some of these are challenging tasks and hobby skills for almost anyone– others are seemingly mundane, easy for most, yet have hidden difficulties that can sink your whole project…yeah.

And others…well, others are just things that, for one reason or another- I can’t do very well.

Now, I also admit that there are some hobby things I do exceedingly well.

However, in the interest of full disclosure, every once in a while it’s therapeutic for me to pull the stuff I completely suck at out from under the metaphorical rug, stare at it and just shudder…

Maybe we should all do this from time to time?

And there is a lot of it! I decided to just arrive at 8 things I suck at, and- well, it took some “editing” down to stop there!

Yeah, I had trouble narrowing it down to just 8 items (What. .8? I read that some online content gurus say that 8 is like the optimum number of “points” for people to absorb in a blog. Whatever the fuck…)

Besides, you just can’t read shit like this anywhere else on any other hobby blog or in any other article…Not that you’d want to, and not that any other author would want to write this kind of stuff, or even admit it. But hey…I’m keeping it real here! 

So, in no particular order, here is my list of the top 8 aquarium-related things that I know I totally suck at; stuff that scares the proverbial crap out of me:

*Drilling aquariums- This is a sort of reef thing, but lots f hobbyists of all shades are into drilling tanks to fit in bulkheads and drains and stuff. Screw that.

Glass, acryilc; doesn’t matter…The idea of taking a perfectly good aquarium, and using my extremely limited DIY skills to drill it out for a bulkhead, fitting- whatever, is a akin to performing an appendectomy on myself…ain’t gonna happen. I have friends who literally think NOTHING about doing stuff like this on a brand-new, expensive tank…Me? No freaking way, man. Strictly for professionals, IMHO, with experience, skill, tools…and liability insurance!

Why do people even take on this challenge themselves? Not only does it void the warranty on almost any aquarium made, it just opens you up to all sorts of scary possible outcomes. I mean, outcomes that may not even happen right away…they could occur at any time! Weeks. Months...years down the line!

How do you people sleep at night?

Just order your tank custom and have it drilled for bulkheads by the manufacturer. Seriously.

I mean, when you DIY this shit, how do you ever go out of town without worrying about coming home to…well- the unthinkable?  Hell, just the experience of installing and -gulp-tightening- a bulkhead into a hole drilled into my aquarium by someone else freaks me the fuck out! I mean- there’s a LOT of water behind that bulkhead…And, hardwood flooring is really expensive!

*Building “automatic” water exchanging systems- If I had a dollar/euro/bitcoin/whatever for every person I know who’s had a nightmare failure (ranging from minor leaks, to full-on flooding of a friend’s multimillion dollar Hollywood Hills home) caused by “automating” water exchanges, I wouldn’t be slinging botanicals for a living. It’s like, would you build your own airplane from scratch? 

Would you? 

Top-off systems with limited reservoirs are one thing. I’ve got ’em, and I swear by ’em. No problem.  Easy.

Fully automated systems hooked up to your house water supply, monitored by your controller and stuff like that are a whole different kind of scary. The mere thought of installing such a system in my home makes me shudder. Like, just pick up a siphon hose, take out some water, refill from a bucket, and sleep better at night. Or when you’re out of town. Who is so busy that they can’t spend 15 minutes taking care of their aquarium, right? 

Besides, I love manual water changes. Really!

Siphon hoses are my friends- low tech toys  that they are- won’t destroy your house.

*Building my own aquarium stand-  Seriously? Well, me- the guy who can’t build a picture frame or assemble a piece of Ikea furniture without extra pieces left over, wouldn’t even contemplate such an endeavor…and YOU shouldn’t, either! Just fork over the money to a professional! Unless you have mad carpentry skills, this is another one that is just fraught with danger, IMHO. 

I fully admire anyone who has those skills, and the courage to forge ahead on a project like that…and I will gracefully step aside and admire from afar. I mean, if you don’t get it perfectly right…flawlessly level…how long will it be until the inevitable disaster? 

Over time, pressure on one or two seams caused by “off-level” work is a ticking time bomb for a blow out, if you ask me. I’ve seen it happen to friends…I won’t let this happen to me. Nope.

*Plumbing a reef tank– A HUGE one! Look, I’ve set up my Roku. Programmed my Rachel sprinkler controller, Learned how to build an e-commerce website. Figured out how to make my own pasta from scratch. I’ve got solid French Press skills with coffeee…I mix a mean Tanqueray and Tonic- but few things intimidate me like trying to plumb stuff like return pumps, overflows, and protein skimmers inline. As a reefer, you have to do a certain amount of plumbing…most of you hardcore, freshwater-only guys probably don’t get this…

However, it just goes with the territory in reef keeping. 

And I suck at it.

On the other hand, I’ve learned a few “hacks”- workarounds, if you will- which allow me to skirt some of this stuff! Why do you think I love sump-based protein skimmers so much? Drop the Motherfuckers in and away you go!  No plumbing!

Yup.

Calcium reactors, an essential piece of reef gear, are another one of those “white knuckle” devices that I have had mixed results with over the years!  I mean, you have CO2, an acrylic reactor, body lots of plumbing connections and fittings…a perfect recipe for disasters of all sorts! 

Cannister filters push the “outside of the envelope” for me. I mean, those cutoff valves and such are a pain  inthe ass, too. Don’t even start me on glassware… I hate that stuff. I’ve broken sooo many of them while trying to clean them that it’s not even funny. When I DO execute plumbing, however, even for stupidly simple stuff- it’s usually so over-thought-out and SO overbuilt that it’s sort of humorous!

(That’s how reefers do it, ‘yo.)

*Retrofitting aquarium electronics- Okay, I know I’m not alone in this one…Anything that involves wiring, power supplies, controllers, adding modules, retrofitting lighting systems, and is surrounded by water is a recipe for “scary” in my book. In fact, anything involving electricity and the word“retrofit” is just a problem! And the terms “straightforward” or “easy installation” in regard to this stuff are just full-on lies, IMHO.

Now, I know a lot of you are pretty damn good at this stuff: “It’s just twisting some wires and maybe soldering a few connections; mounting them inside of your stand…” 

Okay, yeah. Right.  Whatever. Good for you.

Death by electrocution, vaporizing my coral collection, or flat-out burning down the house are all sort of bad outcomes, in my book. To me, it makes a helluva lot more sense to pay the extra few bucks for the completed lighting system, controller, monitor, or whatever, straight from the manufacturer.

I look for devices which have the words “plug and play” in the product description, or I keep shopping…I try for “simple” whenever I can. Even then, the hobby’s definition of “plug and play” differs substantially from my personal description of same!

I mean, programming up my EcoTech Radion LED lights and setting up their mounting system was like one of the proudest achievements of my aquarium career. I do adore these lights, but…

It’s supposed to be easy…but with all of the choices, color sliders, and timing set points, it’s enough to drive a guy mad. Can’t you just choose a spectrum, type in the times you want it to turn on and off, have the program calculate and implement a ramp down, and be done? No, it’s “sliders” to change the programming. Imprecise, prone to slips of the hand, and just plain annoying. What anti-aquarium engineer thought THAT was a cool idea?

And the “preset” color options are just so hideously “Windex blue” that only the most hard core “TikTok” reefing influencer could actually enjoy them…So you’re left having to learn how to either modify the default options or just creating your own. It’s so NOT fun I cannot begin to tell you.

Seriously.

*Bagging fishes, plants, and corals-  This is a skill I simply go to great lengths to avoid ever acquiring.  I always did, Yeah, even though I was an owner of a company that sold coral frags and marine fishes, I sucked at bagging them. I sucked at it as a kid when I worked at the LFS, and I still suck at it. Like, I have “two left hands” or something…That’s why I had people that are really skilled with rubber bands to do the job! I hate it so much you can’t believe it. In fact, HATE isn’t a strong enough word.

Back in my  days as co-owner of Unique Corals, we’d be at major reef hobby shows (MACNA, RAP, etc.), breaking down our booth after a weekend of sales- re-bagging the unsold corals for the flight home, and I’d just sort of wander off and engage in discussions with…well- ANYONE I could find- to avoid bagging up the leftover frags!  

I’d go to any pathetic length to avoid bagging stuff. 

I’d make insane offers of “Buy 1 get 10 free!” or whatever at the close of a show to minimize the sheer horror of re-packaging frags..

Like, sad. I suck at it sooo bad.

Ahh, the “fake injury trick” was the best, though. Apparently, I got “injured” a lot at these shows..or so I convinced my employees… This guise worked a lot!  But it is kind of comical when you think about it. I mean, how many deep cuts or “stress fractures” to my index finger could one guy suffer in a two day reef show? Of course, the running joke with my staff was that everyone pretty much knew that I was full of shit, but they were too kind to call me on my b.s.

(And, of course, being the boss had its advantages, too!)

I’m not proud of this at all- I’m only admitting that I did it: I remember, on one occasion, a purposely let a minor, but well-timed paper cut on my finger bleed like crazy, just ridiculously– so that I could demonstratively show everyone that I was in no condition to bag up those dirty, bacteria-laden corals…

Yeah. I did.  I remember I squeezed my finger like mad to get as much blood out there from this tiny paper cut as possible! Again, never mind that I was the boss and that it was absolutely not necessary, but…

Yeah. Pathetic.

Now, I’m a demon on an impulse sealer or electric clip machine, but they are generally used at shows. They’re used in larger-scale livestock facilities. Couldn’t bring that device to a show half a content away!

So yeah, next time you see me at a fish show and need some help bagging stuff- I’ll be the guy nursing a finger injury, or on the imaginary “important business call” or the podcast interview… or whatever keeps me unavoidably detained- at 6 PM on a Sunday night…

Bagging livestock? Yuck. Hey, I’m honest- it’s the task I like the least in this industry. I suck at it. Bad.

Like, really bad.

*Netting fishes from a display tank- Sure, it’s a fundamental skill we all need. Knowing I have to net a fish out of my display tank strikes fear into my heart, as well as that in the fishes I’m trying to catch, no doubt. I am the kind of aquarist that firmly believes that aquarium nets are purposely designed to snag on everything and not even catch fishes.

And I never, EVER have the right-sized one for the job at hand available…Not that having the “right” net would result in a better sort of outcome, however… I even suck at netting out fishes in a bare holding tank! If I killed or injured 3 fishes to get one of the 8 specimens the customer wanted, that was like a pretty damn good day!

I was literally the kid who worked at the LFS that would be like, “Do you really want THAT Tiger Barb? He looks kind of sick.”  (Said while pointing to a perfectly healthy specimen. Yeah, I was evil. Well, hey, desperate times called for desperate measures, right?)

I was the last guy you wanted to net your fishes.

Why do you think I’m so good at water exchanges , feeding, filter media replacement and stuff like that? It kept me away from netting fishes for customers! Besides, it made me valuable to the owner, because everyone hated the maintenance tasks. I mean, I hated cleaning the proteins skimmers as much as anyone, but it got me out of having to net some fish.

For me, it was my sanctuary. Not having to net fishes was like, the best thing…And of course, after you netted the fishes, you had to bag them- and we already know ho I feel about THAT!

At home, even today- I fare no better. It pretty much always results in a wrecked aquascape, frayed nerves, and some seriously stressed-out fishes. I’ve found that, in recent years, I’m actually getting worse at this. Or so I tell myself. I mean, I didn’t know it was even possible for that to happen! Now, I honestly don’t know if my “skills” have deteriorated in recent years, or if I just never had ‘em..hmm? 

Wait. Don’t answer that.

*Cord Management- You ever see those tanks where the aquarist has this meticulously-routed, perfectly labeled group of electrical cords for all of their equipment, running under the stand, all tidy and even?

Yeah, well that’s not me. Despite the best of intentions at the beginning of my project, once the rubber hits the road and my tank build begins, all bets are off. Cords are looped and entangled and plugged in to whatever outlet I can get to on the power strip the easiest.

And labels? If Im lucky, I’ll put a piece of painter’s tape on the cord near the outlet that identifies what it’s attached to, And if Im really lucky- it’ll be labeled correctly!

Yeah, I suck at this.

I travel a lot, and it sure would be nice to be able to call my wife if something goes wrong and tell her to, “…just disconnect the protein skimmer…!” But that is impossible. Finding the “needle in the haystack” is a lot easier, IMHO.

I’m not sure why, but I just can’t ever seem to get electrical cords managed well. I start out with the best of intentions, but there is always something that makes me deviate from my cool plan- something in the way, a cord that’s unruly, or a power block that takes ups more room on the strip than I expected…and it just goes downhill from there. And with a larger, more complex reef aquarium, you’re dealing with a lot of cords and power supplies for a lot of devices, just making the process that much more challenging!

Maybe next tank I’ll get it right!

Yeah, skills that we pick up in the hobby are pretty incredible. On the other hand, sometimes, the hobby teaches you other valuable stuff…like the fact that you shouldn’t even be contemplating tackling some tasks. Sure, learning new skills is how we grow and all, but some of those “skills” continue to elude me! I guess I should stick to the stuff I do best? Maybe?

My confession is complete for today.

Yeah, that’s a brief run-down of just a few of the many aquarium-related things that I suck at. Stuff I’m horrified of. It felt good to get those off my chest. Very therapeutic!

And that represented some core aquarium-related skills, huh? Oh, there are plenty of other hobby-related things I suck at, trust me…and that could conceivably fill a book…hmm, nothing to be proud of, really, but hey, I own ’em!

Anyways, I shared mine- let’s hear some of yours! I can’t be the only aquarium person who sucks at multiple things in the hobby..or could I?

Never be afraid to laugh at your own foibles. Stay humorous. Stay dedicated to the craft. Stay sharp. Stay AWAY from stuff that could destroy life, ego, and property. Double down on what you’re good at. Stay confident. 

We all suck at something, right?

Yeah.

Stay afraid of some stuff. Stay brave. Stay proud. Stay confident. Stay humble. Stay cautious…

And Stay Wet.

Scott Fellman